Your perception is NOT my reality.
Yeah, I know. A hard concept to wrap your brain around. It's just I've really had to examine how others perceive me lately. And this whole saying "Perception is reality" truly sucks. It might be true, but it sucks. Especially when I know in my heart that the way I am perceived negatively by others is not the reality of my world.
This is what I know:
1. I am not obsessed with anyone (well, maybe my husband, but I digress...)
2. I am a good person, with good intentions
3. I am a good friend
4. Tone can be misunderstood/misread in the social media world
5. Joking around/sarcasm is hard to convey via text or social media
6. I try too hard sometimes
7. I am content in my world and free from constraints of what others may feel
8. Social media is not a one size fits all
9. I will not be defined by my mistakes
That number 9 is a big one. I am not my mistakes. I learn from them and will grow. I am still the same person regardless, I just won't make those mistakes again.
My therapist asked me to make a list of the things that scare me. Here it is, for the the world to see. I have other things that scare me, but for all intents, this is the main list:
Lets go through them one by one, shall we?
My husband dying in war: Wow. That's a big one. His future deployment scares the bejesus out of me. That's pretty much bottom line on that one.
Social Media: Yep. This is a hard one to explain. I don't like the cattiness of most of it. I like how I've been able to connect with people, but I feel guarded.
Losing my friendships: This is a big one lately. I don't have tons of friends (I am naturally an introverted person and I don't like to spread myself thin with a bunch of superficial nonsense). But if I do call you my friend or bestie or whatever I don't throw it around loosely. I am in it for the long haul. I don't think some people really understand the concept of true friendship, but that is another post for another day.
Never conceiving a child: I think about this every day. Every. Single. Day. I will feel like I have let my husband down if I am unable to conceive a child. The thought breaks my heart.
Heights: This is a pretty simple one.
Having no money: Especially when you have a family.
Perception: Haha....kind of already explained that one.
Embarrassing myself: Yeah. This holds me back from awesomness. Currently working on it.
Hurting others feelings: Why? Because it sucks. And I know when it is done to me I feel like shit.
I can't wait to have her dissect this list and laugh at me. Because I know she will. Only two sessions in and I love her insight and humor!
So where does this all leave me....and what is going on lately?
Well, I am *thisclose* to deleting my facebook and twitter. I will probably keep my facebook, mainly to keep up with family and friends. Social media gives me anxiety, and for a variety of reasons I feel like I just want my personal experiences to remain private. I don't like seeing a texted conversation "subtweeted" or facebooked about later on. I have been guilty of doing it, but on the flipside when it was done to me I felt crappy. Lesson learned.
I am doing my own "twittervention" and for the last 24+ hours I have not logged in or viewed what is going on in that little created world. No thanks. I'm pretty much over it. I met some great people through twitter, but I look back at the last three months and realize that I was cutting out experiences in my life that truly mattered. I can't get them back, but I am sure as hell not losing out again in the future.
I am content to just live my life like I was doing before: Thrifting, hanging out with my loves and being a good mom, wife and friend.
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